Gut Punch

As my wife can attest, I am very good at starting something and then not finishing it. I do go into things with the intent to finish what I started, but my mind tends to wander more often than not, so before I can finish something, the old brain has already moved on to something else. Not sure, exactly, why that is. I get bored easily, I guess. I tend to over think things sometimes. I suffer from analysis paralysis so to speak. I DID just recently finish my degree after 20 years in the process, so I am feeling ready to finish something else. Something big.

I have left many things in my life unfinished, but the one thing that I have started over and over again and continues to frustrate the hell out of me more than anything else … weight loss.

I currently weigh 266 pounds, which would be fine if I were 6-10, but I am about 5-9.  I recently turned 50 and my thoughts have turned to retirement. Unfortunately, I feel if I don’t get my weight under control, I may not make it to retirement. What a kick in the ass that would be.

I have tried so many diets. Some have worked and some haven’t. Unfortunately, none of them have worked long term. I have tried Weight Watchers many times, which works for me until I get tired of counting points, which then leads to me falling off the wagon.

For me, this time, I don’t want to count calories. I want to make a change that will just be a lifestyle change. I want to just be able to know and feel that I am eating right. I don’t want to calculate every little thing I put into my mouth. I know this journey will have to include a little bit of exercise and weight training. I currently live a very sedentary lifestyle, which I know has to change.

I have very little will power. If it is in the house, it will likely get consumed. I almost have to have my kitchen stocked with only healthy choices. If there is a chip in the house, I will find it and consume it.

Another issue I have is that I eat when mad. When sad. When nervous. When scared. Unfortunately, these emotions have become more prevalent lately as it seems like the world becomes a worse place day by day. It is time for me to turn off the news, limit my time on social media, and, I guess, just stick my head in the sand for a while. I need a clear head to tackle this weight loss issue.

One of my most recent college professors told me that my goal to get down to 169 pounds was not realistic at my age, so, my current goal is to lose 75 pounds. That weight gets me well under 200 pounds, which I think would be great. I would hope at that weight, I could stop taking my high blood pressure medicine and, hopefully, ditch the annoying CPAP machine. Oh, how I miss sleeping like most people with that elephant trunk.

Oh, well, I would like to write more, but I have another thing I should be doing. I need to start planning my menu for the week. I will come back to this later.

Oh, damn it. There I go again.


Love is the Answer

Today adds another day to the well over eighteen thousand days that I have seen come and go. I continue to search for happiness and the reason I am here, all the while trying to make a difference and leave this earth a better place for me having been here.

As I have gotten older, my love for animals has grown ten fold from my younger days. My love for individuals has also grown, while my faith in society has waned. I struggle to love myself as I look in the mirror, disgusted with what my body has become. They say you have to love yourself first, which has been hard for me for so long. I’m not sure why I am so hard on myself. I wish I could find a way to be happy with the way I am and what I have and where I am in my life.

So much talk these days in the United States about race and racial inequality. It is not my place as a white man to tell any minority how to feel. How arrogant would that be of me to tell anyone how to feel and what’s right and what’s wrong in relation to prejudice. As a human being, I believe EVERYONE should be treated equally. I doubt that I will live to see the day that this will happen, but, hopefully, one day, probably generations from now, we can achieve human harmony.

As I’ve gotten older, I would like to think I have gotten wiser. I believe I have matured, at least judging by my gray hair and its scarcity on the back of my head. I try to have empathy for all living things. I think twice these days about killing anything, even bugs. I guess as my number of days on this planet are now more in the rearview than ahead, I have become more sympathetic to the preciousness of every breath. We all must remember that everyone on this planet is going through the same thing. We all have a story to tell. Well all have our own set of problems. We are all searching for the meaning of life.

I am very lucky. Both of my parents are still on this earth. I often shudder to think what it is going to be like when the two people who have shaped me into the man I am today will no longer be there for love and support. As I wipe the tears from my eyes, I know I will be ok due to their lifelong influence and the values they have instilled in me. I also have a daughter and a wife that love me very much, not to mention additional family and friends as well.

I need to get to bed. It is now 2:30 a.m. I love to write and think late at night. I believe God opens my mind and my heart to express emotions freely.

This topic makes me think of a song released back in 1995 by the Blessid Union of Souls called, “I Belive”. Take a listen.

… Love is the Answer.


What Would You Do?

I have a question for you. If you could know how and when you would die, would you take that opportunity to find out, or leave it unknown?

I must say with all the North Korea talk in the news lately, thoughts of death have crossed my mind more than a few times, which got me thinking about the above question. If I had the choice to know how and when I would die, I would take it in a heartbeat (no pun intended.

For me, if I knew, it would free me up to do so many more things. It would allow me not to fear flying or fear heights or any of my many other phobias. It brings Tim McGraw’s “Live Like You Were Dying” video to mind.

As odd as it sounds, I think it would open my life up. If you learned you had a month or a year left, wouldn’t you quit your job and travel or whatever else you wanted to do before your time on Earth were over? I guess if I lived every day as if it were my last, I wouldn’t have these issues, but that’s not realistic, for me anyway. If you don’t know how long you have, you’re not going to quit your job to embark on a once-in-a-lifetime trip.

Knowing your expiration date would also help you in your retirement planning. If you find out you are going to live to be 100, chances are, you better start socking away a few more dollars into that 401K or investments, because you are going to need your retirement nest egg to last. But, on the other hand, if you only had five years left, who needs retirement? Go buy that Corvette or second home. Enjoy your time before it’s gone.

I know, listen to me, I am basically giving myself therapy … enjoy your time before it’s gone. unfortunately, that’s never been easy for me. I have always been a bit pessimistic, or as I like to say, realistic when it comes to life.

For me, death is fascinating and frightening at the same time. To my knowledge, no one has escaped death. It’s something we will all have to face at some point or another. I envy those that do live every day as if it could be their last. I wish I could be one of those people, but it’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks. I often think there is an age or stage in life when people go from fearing death to accepting that their time is growing short, thus they throw caution to the wind. I think I am getting there, just not quite there yet.

Skydiving, bullriding, taking a cruise … who knows? The sands are running through the hour glass without fail. I don’t want to have the most boring stories in Heaven, or Hell for that matter, so I better get busy livin’!