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Internal Struggle

I often confuse myself. I battle depression seemingly on an hour to hour basis. Sometimes I’m fine and other times not so much. I have wondered sometimes what is the point of life and living, but on the other hand, I fear death.

In the photo above, I often feel as if I am standing atop the signpost looking one way and then the other, making trips to both places, often many times a day. For anyone that battles depression, I bet you know what I am talking about.

It’s not easy for me and not easy for my wife. Yes, the mood swings are in my head, but she has to put up with them not knowing what’s going on and what causes them. It’s hard for her to know what causes them when I don’t even know myself.

Maybe it’s the fact that I will be 50 in a couple of months. Maybe at this point, I am just a bit bored with life. Maybe I feel like there has to be something else out there. Something better.  I have talked my wife’s ear off about needing a change. I keep telling her that I am ready to move. I think a change of scenery will do me good, but then I fear, what if it doesn’t?

Am I just destined to always be unhappy and unsatisfied? I often think I expect too much out of life. At this point, it’s like, “Is this all there is?” I hope like hell that someday I find what I’m looking for. I only hope I’m not in a bad mood that day, walking with my head down and I walk right past it.

 

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