Gut Punch

As my wife can attest, I am very good at starting something and then not finishing it. I do go into things with the intent to finish what I started, but my mind tends to wander more often than not, so before I can finish something, the old brain has already moved on to something else. Not sure, exactly, why that is. I get bored easily, I guess. I tend to over think things sometimes. I suffer from analysis paralysis so to speak. I DID just recently finish my degree after 20 years in the process, so I am feeling ready to finish something else. Something big.

I have left many things in my life unfinished, but the one thing that I have started over and over again and continues to frustrate the hell out of me more than anything else … weight loss.

I currently weigh 266 pounds, which would be fine if I were 6-10, but I am about 5-9.  I recently turned 50 and my thoughts have turned to retirement. Unfortunately, I feel if I don’t get my weight under control, I may not make it to retirement. What a kick in the ass that would be.

I have tried so many diets. Some have worked and some haven’t. Unfortunately, none of them have worked long term. I have tried Weight Watchers many times, which works for me until I get tired of counting points, which then leads to me falling off the wagon.

For me, this time, I don’t want to count calories. I want to make a change that will just be a lifestyle change. I want to just be able to know and feel that I am eating right. I don’t want to calculate every little thing I put into my mouth. I know this journey will have to include a little bit of exercise and weight training. I currently live a very sedentary lifestyle, which I know has to change.

I have very little will power. If it is in the house, it will likely get consumed. I almost have to have my kitchen stocked with only healthy choices. If there is a chip in the house, I will find it and consume it.

Another issue I have is that I eat when mad. When sad. When nervous. When scared. Unfortunately, these emotions have become more prevalent lately as it seems like the world becomes a worse place day by day. It is time for me to turn off the news, limit my time on social media, and, I guess, just stick my head in the sand for a while. I need a clear head to tackle this weight loss issue.

One of my most recent college professors told me that my goal to get down to 169 pounds was not realistic at my age, so, my current goal is to lose 75 pounds. That weight gets me well under 200 pounds, which I think would be great. I would hope at that weight, I could stop taking my high blood pressure medicine and, hopefully, ditch the annoying CPAP machine. Oh, how I miss sleeping like most people with that elephant trunk.

Oh, well, I would like to write more, but I have another thing I should be doing. I need to start planning my menu for the week. I will come back to this later.

Oh, damn it. There I go again.


Which Way Out?

I feel guilty sometimes. I have a good life, but I never seem to be quite happy. I am always wanting something new, constantly searching for that thing that is ultimately going to make me happy. Does it exist? I’m not sure.

I think I know, but I’m not quite sure. I think a change of scenery, like a move out of state. Maybe a new business venture. Something to spark some creativity and adventure. The problem with both of these is that I have no idea where to start to make them become a reality. When I think of them, I get excited, but it makes me feel a bit helpless, like a boat going in circles.

I’m just not sure the next steps to take, which then makes me feel stressed and depressed, which I don’t need. Hoping one of these days to find what I am looking for and find that elusive feeling of overall happiness.

Ready to Take the Leap

I’m not sure what’s happening to me. I would like to think my impending 50th birthday has something to do with it, but I’m not sure. I am becoming even more impatient than I have always been. I have often thought that I hope there is no line to get into Heaven. If so, I may opt for the warmer alternative!

I guess I have been becoming more and more impatient to leave my Indiana prison. No, I am not literally behind bars, but figuratively, yes. I do feel trapped in this cornfield hell hole. Yeah, I guess the state I have lived in my whole life is not that bad for most, but for me, it couldn’t be worse. In a state like Indiana that has limits on what it has to offer, I have found myself moving away from being impatient about departing its borders to growing angry as to why I am still here.

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