Tick, Tick, Tick


When the calendar turns to April, I will be able to see my 50th birthday on the calendar page. As that joyous (yeah, right) occasion approaches, I feel my life is in turmoil, at least in my head.

I have so many things that I want to do, but not sure what the right thing to do is. I would love to buy a vacation/retirement home out west, but not sure how to go about it or where to start. I have read somewhere that says you should not buy a home like that without paying cash for it. Well, unless I am buying a dollhouse, that isn’t going to happen. I also read about how much you pay for your home to the bank in the interest over the life of your loan. They said it’s basically like you are buying three houses. One for you, and two for the bank after you pay them the interest. So, then I get thinking that we should put all available money toward our current house to pay that off as quickly as possible.

With retirement looming in just over 15 years, time is running out. Good decision making is critical.

My heart says go west young man. I know with all my being, I want to leave Indiana for the wild, wild west. I am tired of Indiana and it’s lack of anything interesting. If I live to be 85, I greatly look forward to being able to enjoy the beautiful scenery that the west affords.

Now if I can just figure out if we can afford it.

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Internal Struggle


I often confuse myself. I battle depression seemingly on an hour to hour basis. Sometimes I’m fine and other times not so much. I have wondered sometimes what is the point of life and living, but on the other hand, I fear death.

In the photo above, I often feel as if I am standing atop the signpost looking one way and then the other, making trips to both places, often many times a day. For anyone that battles depression, I bet you know what I am talking about.

It’s not easy for me and not easy for my wife. Yes, the mood swings are in my head, but she has to put up with them not knowing what’s going on and what causes them. It’s hard for her to know what causes them when I don’t even know myself.

Maybe it’s the fact that I will be 50 in a couple of months. Maybe at this point, I am just a bit bored with life. Maybe I feel like there has to be something else out there. Something better.  I have talked my wife’s ear off about needing a change. I keep telling her that I am ready to move. I think a change of scenery will do me good, but then I fear, what if it doesn’t?

Am I just destined to always be unhappy and unsatisfied? I often think I expect too much out of life. At this point, it’s like, “Is this all there is?” I hope like hell that someday I find what I’m looking for. I only hope I’m not in a bad mood that day, walking with my head down and I walk right past it.