Sundays are always hard for me because another week of doing something that I have to do and not what I want to do is just over the horizon. I know … I am not alone. I would guess the majority of people in this country feel the same way. That being said, this morning was especially tough when I heard the news of the death of Miami Marlins pitcher, Jose Fernandez in a boating accident overnight.
Being a Cubs fan, I knew of Fernandez and what a great pitcher he was, but I wasn’t aware of his whole back story, which included his fleeing Cuba three times in an effort to make it to the United States. I also wasn’t aware of the personality and fun-loving nature that he possessed. I watched several press conferences this morning addressing Jose’s death and the investigation into the crash. It brought tears to my eyes, which often happens due to my depression. I cannot control the tears that flow during times like these. It can be embarrassing.
To look at me, you would think I was some hardened tough guy. I am a big guy that looks like he has been around the block a few times. That’s just it. You can’t tell what is going on inside someone’s mind. Looks can be deceiving.
I have battled depression for as long as I can remember. I really have no reason to be depressed. I have a good-paying job, nice house, family, and a great wife, so, what’s the issue? I wish I knew.
I have tried many things, including therapy and medication and nothing really helps much. Medication is full of side effects that are unpleasant. The medication seems to make you void of emotions. The tears would stop, but the feelings would as well. I don’t want to be a robot, thus I stopped taking depression medication. Therapy is good while you are doing it, but it is not cheap. It’s easy for people to tell you to just snap out of it or suck it up. It just doesn’t work that way.
I am sure my aging plays a role in it all. When you reach the second half of life, you start to reflect on things you have and haven’t done over the course of your life. They always say when you are lying on your deathbed, you don’t want to have a long list of regrets. Well, at this point, I probably have a book’s worth. So many things I would like to do or see, but haven’t due to a lack of time or courage.
One of these days I keep thinking I will wake up and not be afraid of airplanes or failure or of death. One of these days I keep thinking I will wake up happy, both with life and myself.
One of these days …